Tears
by star429
Summary: **OoP SPOILERS!** Can Remus get Harry out of the depression that he's sunk into after the events of the OoP


Disclaimer- I don't own Harry Potter. J.K. Rowling does.  
  
A/N OoP SPOILERS are in this story. You've been warned!  
  
OoP SPOILERS!  
  
Harry Potter, otherwise known as 'the boy who lived', sat up in his bed and impatiently brushed away his tears. It was his birthday, although Harry didn't care or realize. Actually, his brain, without his consent, was focused on the dream he had just awoken from. He had visited the Department of Mysteries again and he had watched his godfather die, again.  
  
He sighed, heavily, and it was a sound that should never come from the soul of a sixteen-year-old. Harry walked over to Hedwig, his pet owl, who was thankfully unlocked this year, since the Order of the Phoenix threatened the Dursleys. Hedwig hooted soothingly. Harry sighed again and thought, 'Well, at least she's on my side.' Then Harry shook himself. He knew he had many people who cared for him still, but he also knew that none of them understood what he was going through. Harry hoped none of his friends would ever understand the pain, anger, and hopeless despair he was forced to experience, because they would only gain understanding by experience. He didn't wish his horrible life on anyone, except maybe Voldemort or Bellatrix Lestrange.  
  
He walked over to his window and sat down on the ledge, looking outside. Tears ran unchecked down his face. They had an incredibly familiar feel, even if the familiarity made him feel even worse. After all, what did it say about your life when tears felt like they had been streaming down your face all your life?  
  
"Why did you stand in front of me, mom? Is this the life you meant me to have when you stood in front of that cradle? I lived in a cupboard for ten fucking years with your God-awful sister. Dumbledore protected me because of that damn prophecy and he put me in a house with your sister that hated me. Then I found peace; I found friends. Then I fought Voldemort four times, and now he is constantly hanging over my head. I am sixteen years old and this is not life. The prophecy was right. Neither can live while the other survives. How could you love me so much and then protect me to live in this hell? Did you know what you were sentencing me to?  
  
"Dad, your biggest concern was catching the snitch. Do you know how lucky you were? I've never gotten a break. This is too much pressure. Dumbledore can't even help me here. Everyone has the right to be human, except me. My life is so horribly unfair. I get myself all worked up with self-pity and then I feel selfish, but dammit don't I deserve a break? I can't even have a peaceful sleep. Everyone tells me I should practice Occlumency, but how do I clear my mind when it's racing all the time with visions of Sirius dieing? How can people who claim to love me expect that of me? Don't they realize I'm human?  
  
"Sirius, oh Sirius, I'm so sorry. I should never have gone. I should have listened to Hermione. You understood me. I only got to know you for two years! I had so many questions you never answered! You were never freed. There is no justice in this world!  
  
"Oh mother, why didn't you let me die?"  
  
Finally, after this exhausting speech, he broke down, sliding off the window ledge to the floor. He curled up into a little ball and shook back and forth, trying to stifle sobs that wouldn't be stifled. His loneliness bore down on him like a hundred-pound weight. He was alone; he knew it. He was alone in a world that hated him, or at least he thought he was alone.  
  
Remus Lupin stood in the doorway, as he had been for a very long time. In fact, he had been about to walk in until he heard Harry start talking to Lily. His eyes were darker with pain than Lily's had ever been. He knew Harry was a fighter and that no one had heard any of this, as well as he knew his own name. He also knew Harry had a strong wall built around his heart, produced by years of neglect from the Dursleys and sadly strengthened by Harry's years at Hogwarts. Sometime during Harry's desperate speech Remus realized he had tears on his own cheeks. Remus had felt the loss of Sirius and it hurt him as much as James and Lily's deaths had. It seemed unbearable but years of pain had taught Remus that the human body could withstand a lot of pain, and could block out a lot of emotion. The boy before him was a living testament to this, because even while his soul might be broken, he still breathes.  
  
He suddenly thought of a past conversation with Sirius.  
  
~Flashback~  
  
"I'm worried about him Remus. I know he's strong and refuses to give up, and he's braver than James even was. But, at the same time, he hides his feelings away. I worry that he will always have to keep hiding, until he kills the bastard." Sirius said with a worried look on his face.  
  
"If," Remus said quietly. "The prophecy doesn't say who wins, Sirius."  
  
"Well, once someone bothers to tell him about the Prophecy," Sirius started with a bit of a resentful look on his face, "we'll all start training him and he can't lose."  
  
The silence stretched on. There didn't seem like there was anything left to say.  
  
"Listen," Sirius started finally, breaking the silence. "If the ministry ever catches up to me, or something happens, please look out for him for me, Remus. He needs someone, even if he would never admit it, even to himself."  
  
"Nothing is going to happen, Sirius, but even if anything does happen to you, then of course I'll try to look out for him. I would have done so even if you hadn't asked." ~End Flashback~  
  
"You don't mean that," Remus said softly, hardly above a whisper.  
  
Harry immediately stopped sobbing and jumped up, rubbing his eyes and trying to hide that he was doing so.  
  
"How long have you been there?" Harry asked shakily, trying to sound unconcerned and failing miserably.  
  
Remus thought of lying, but Harry has been told too many lies. "Since you started talking," he replied simply, slowly starting to walk over to Harry.  
  
Harry's eyes widened dramatically, but almost immediately they narrowed. "You should have said something before," he said angrily.  
  
"Should I have? I wouldn't have known what you are feeling otherwise. Your letters completely ignore the fact that Sirius is dead. You tell that and us that the Dursleys are treating you fine you're fine, and that's it. Everyone is worried sick. I know now that you feel like you have to do everything on your own, but you don't. We'll help you."  
  
"I'm sorry that I had everyone worried," Harry said in a flat voice, devoid of all emotion. He turned away from Remus and walked back to his bed.  
  
"Will you listen to me? You don't have to bear this burden alone! You can share bits and pieces, and even though you'd still have the final responsibility to defeat Voldmort, but please tell us how you're feeling. Please, Harry, Sirius wouldn't have wanted you to drown in your own sorrow. I miss him too, but I'm going to fight even harder to round up every single death eater!" Remus's voice got louder on every sentence.  
  
First, Harry made quieting motions with his hands, so the Dursleys wouldn't wake up. Then, he said, "I've dealt with a lot; really I'll be fine."  
  
But Remus noticed that there were still tears running down Harry's face. He probably hasn't even noticed. He noticed that Harry was skinnier and paler. Remus then did the unthinkable. He used Harry's own words of angst to get him to open up.  
  
"Well, then I suppose, if you're fine, you won't mind me responding to what you said earlier," Remus said.  
  
Harry's eyes narrowed. You could almost see him fortifying his emotional walls. "Fine," Harry replied.  
  
Remus took a deep breath. "Lily had no way of knowing that your life would be this miserable. She protected you out of love, and I doubt that the prophecy crossed her mind at all while she stood in front of you. Also, you were supposed to go to Sirius. Your parents made him your godfather, not Petunia Dursley. Dumbledore, however, had to make a decision about your safety, and this is the safest place for you, physically. Emotionally, this place was a nightmare, but it made you stronger. It gave you an inner strength that Dumbledore knew you would need. I'm sorry that your life has been so horrible. But Harry, if you let people in, if you can recognize the people that want to help, and let them help you, but also know to protect yourself against people who don't want to help, then that would be your greatest strength of all. Sirius died exactly how he wanted to. He's with James and Lily now, and they are all watching over you, hoping that you can defeat Voldemort and do what you need to do. You need to prepare and yes, this war will be ugly, and more death will come, but that only means you need to treasure every happy memory and moment to help you with the bad times. The Order made a mistake; we should have told you about the prophecy and we should have told you about our suspicions. We're human, and while we know that you're strong and can handle a lot, we know you're human too. Your life hasn't been fair, and you do deserve a break, but I don't think that you're going to get one any time soon. Most importantly though, if you give in now Harry, Voldmort has already won. If you trust yourself and everyone helping you, you can win, and have a chance at a life of happiness." Remus reached out and grabbed both of Harry's shoulders. "Don't give that up without one hell of a fight."  
  
Harry sat silently, letting the words sink in against his will. He knew Remus was right. His parents and Sirius are gone, but he could trust Remus. Maybe he wouldn't feel so alone. Maybe, just maybe, he could talk. He might feel better afterwards.  
  
Harry took a shaky breath, and began. "There are many things that I said that I didn't mean. I know that mom stood in front of me out of love. I know she was trying to protect me. I was just trying to get everything off my chest. I was so frustrated with the nightmares and I'm so sick of them, Remus. Then, I feel guilty because if I had just practiced Occlumency then Sirius would still probably be alive. I deserve the nightmares. I don't know if you can understand Remus, but it does cost me something to trust anyone at all. After the Dursleys' abuse, well. I only trusted myself to handle my feelings and take care of myself. I was starting to trust Sirius to do that, but." And here Harry stopped to collect himself again. "Ron and Hermione would do anything for me, but Ron freaks out and Hermione looks in a book. They're the best friends anyone could have, but they don't really understand, nor do I expect them to." Remus nodded.  
  
"Hermione said you were using classic aversion tactics whenever you wrote that she found in A Wizard's Guide to Depression," Remus said with a slight chuckle.  
  
Despite himself, Harry smiled slightly. Harry then sighed again and ran his fingers through his hair distractedly. "I just feel so helpless. I mean, sure I've escaped Voldmort but I always had help. And even though I've managed to escape, killing him just seems so impossible."  
  
"You're going to be training under Dumbledore this year. You'll have more confidence. It won't be easy, though. I'll grant you that."  
  
Harry collapsed back on his bed, looking utterly exhausted. "I'm so tired, Remus," he said softly. "I also mean literally. I don't think that I've had a good night's sleep in over a year."  
  
Remus looked at him sadly. He couldn't really think of a reply to that. "Harry Birthday, Harry," he said instead. Harry looked up sharply.  
  
"Oh," Harry said softly. "It's my birthday?"  
  
Remus almost starting crying. How could life be so unfair to Harry? He does deserve a rest.  
  
Harry stood up suddenly, as if sensing his thoughts, and hugged Remus. Remus hugged him back. Harry pulled back and smiled slightly. "You're right. Thank you Remus. I promise not to give up without one hell of a fight."  
  
Remus smiled back and said, "Then lets get out of here and back to Grimmauld Place so you can begin training." Harry nodded back and started packing everything into his trunk.  
  
Remus turned and looked out the window and spoke silently, 'James, Sirius, and Lily, I will help him any way I can, and I think he'll be just fine.'  
  
After Harry was packed and ready to go, they flew out the window into the night sky, and Harry's sixteenth birthday marked a step on the long path to defeating Voldemort. 


End file.
